The root of male/female relationship problems
There is a direct connection between how we relate to God and how we relate to each other. Simply put, the more we are in love with God, our Creator, the easier it is to love people, His creation. Our close relationships demonstrate this in our fluctuating levels of grace and compassion. This is particularly evident in the marriage relationship. Recently I realised how corrupt this relationship had become as a result of ‘The Fall’. Adam and Eve’s sin not only wrecked their relationship with God, but also dramatically changed the way they related to each other. Their actions produced divisions and negative ways of relating which have been passed down through the generations, to affect us today.
The account unfolds in the Bible in Genesis. Eve is tempted by Satan. She eats fruit from the tree God had forbidden and gives it to Adam, who also eats. They realise they are naked, cover themselves and hide from the presence of God. He finds them hiding and talks to them.
God asks Adam if he has eaten the forbidden fruit. Adam answers by shifting the responsibility for his disobedience onto Eve, who in turn blames the devil. When God commanded Adam not to eat from the ‘tree-of-the-knowledge-of-good-and-evil’, in Genesis 2:16, Eve had not yet been created. She had not heard God’s command directly, and only knew what Adam had told her. In the light of this, it is tragic to think that Adam went along with Eve and ate the fruit instead of obeying God’s command not to eat. Even worse was to come for, when confronted by God, Adam blamed Eve and abdicated all responsibility so blame-shifting, lying, and abdication of responsibility were added to the shame Adam and Eve were experiencing of knowing their nakedness, their fear of God’s anger and rejection, and their fear-driven desire to cover everything up by exercising control. Thus a whole range of negative emotions began to work destructively in their lives.
Adam could have protected Eve by reminding her of God’s command and leading her away from temptation – but he didn’t. The Bible does not relate any period of resistance by Adam, such as recorded in the Gospels when Jesus was tempted after he was baptised. Eating the fruit must have appeared attractive to Adam otherwise he would not have given in so easily. Was he curious as to what it would be like to have a knowledge of good and evil? Did he think one bite would not make much difference? Whatever was going on in Adam’s heart and mind, he didn’t obey God and mankind fell from grace.
The story continues, and in Genesis 3:16-20 the Good News Bible says:
God told the Woman,
“I’ll multiply your pains in childbirth; you’ll give birth to your babies in pain. You’ll want to please your husband, but he’ll lord it over you.”
He told the Man,
“Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from, ‘Don’t eat from this tree,’ the very ground is cursed because of you; getting food from the ground will be as painful as having babies is for your wife; you’ll be working in pain all your life long. The ground will sprout thorns and weeds, you’ll get your food the hard way, planting and tilling and harvesting, sweating in the fields from dawn to dusk, until you return to that ground yourself, dead and buried; you started out as dirt, you’ll end up dirt.”
As I read this I could almost feel Adam and Eve’s inner pain. Up to this point they had only known pure love. They had no idea of the negative effects of sin and disobedience to God and how these would impact their lives and their relationship. Walls of self-protection must have gone up between Adam and his bride.
As God spoke to Eve and she heard how painful it was going to be for her to fulfil her destiny to reproduce and fill the earth, her heart must have sunk. She was being set up for more emotional pain when God declared that her desire would be for her husband and he would rule over her. How could she submit to the rule of a man who had failed to protect her when she most needed it and later blamed her for his sin? How could she trust him again? Eve also realised that they would have to leave the Garden and make a new home for themselves, adding to her fears and insecurities.
Imagine the judgements and inner vows she might have made to cope with her pain:
“I want to please my husband, but no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough; I’m not
good enough”.
“What I say isn’t as important as what my husband says; I’m not worth being listened to”.
“I will keep quiet and let my husband do what he wants, then I won’t get blamed when
it all goes wrong”.
“I’ll never rely on my husband again; he will let me down when I most need him”.
“The men in my life will blame me and not take responsibility for their actions”.
“I will protect myself and not allow myself to be vulnerable, so men won’t hurt me again”.
After being expelled from the Garden of Eden Adam also faced a life of hard work, cultivating the ground that God had just cursed, alone with Eve who he now no longer fully trusted. What judgements would he have made of Eve, as God’s words echoed in his ears, “Because you listened to your wife…”? What inner vows and judgements would he have made to protect himself from further hurt as he realised that it was because he had listened to her, and gone along with her rather than obeying God’s command, that these terrible changes were taking place in his life?
“I’m going to have to keep my wife in her place, for God wants me to rule over her”.
“I’ll never listen to my wife again, she will get me into trouble”.
“What my wife has to say cannot be trusted”.
“It’s the woman’s fault when bad things happen”.
“I will always be blamed for whatever goes wrong, so I won’t bother trying”.
“I have to be ‘on guard’ when a woman is in charge”.
So began many of the male/female relationship problems which affect mankind today.
Over time the harmony within Adam and Eve’s family so deteriorated that envy and jealousy consumed their eldest son and he murdered his brother. Death, bereavement, forced separation and loss were then added to their painful life experiences – Cain was lost to them when God banished him to be a wanderer on the earth, and Abel when he was killed. By the time of Noah, God was ready to wipe out mankind and start again.
The effects of Adam and Eve’s disobedience have resulted in generations of relationship problems for mankind. No matter what society or culture you look at in the world today, or throughout history, you will see women valued less than men, women without a voice, women neglected, and women fighting to be treated as equal to men yet wanting to please them. You will also see men lording it over women, using, abusing and undervaluing them, and women rebelling and undermining men. Men will often not listen to women and will not take responsibility for the things they should. You will find men who are either working hard with small return, or are just giving up and not working at all. Different cultures might change the expression of these relationship values, from blatant and extreme to subtle and hidden – but, they are there.
When I look at my parents and grandparents’ attitudes toward their spouses I see these same issues at work. I see them in my own life as well. I am convinced God wants to break generational curses on relationships. Thank God for Jesus, the second Adam, who enables men and women to live with each other free from the curses that Adam and Eve’s disobedience activated, free to honour and value one another, and free to celebrate our God-given differences.
In Ephesians, chapter five, the apostle Paul explains how men and women can relate in a healthy way. The answer is simple, yet amazingly illusive. We are to imitate Christ, submit to the Lordship of Jesus, and love one another sacrificially.
My prayer for us all, as we submit to Christ, is that we turn away from ungodly attitudes and ways of relating to our spouses and others of the opposite sex; that we forgive those who have influenced our attitudes and behaviours through what they taught and showed us; and that God replaces our ungodly beliefs with Godly beliefs. Working through this process will enrich both our lives and those with whom we relate.